Jeska Jane shares her journey from early self-hatred and teenage drinking to alcohol dependence, prescription painkillers, heroin, and eventually fentanyl. She explains that she initially viewed alcohol and drugs as the problem, but came to understand them as her solution to deeper emotional pain. Recovery required addressing the underlying issues rather than simply removing the substances.
A major theme is self-worth and self-forgiveness. Jeska describes how learning to see herself through God’s eyes helped her develop compassion for herself. Instead of remaining trapped in shame over past decisions, she learned to recognize that she did the best she could with what she knew at the time—and that learning better ways allows her to do better going forward.
The conversation also explores what separates abstinence from true recovery. Jeska describes abstinence as removing drugs and alcohol, while recovery is an ongoing process of healing physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. She emphasizes purpose, service, community, connection, and faith as important parts of maintaining recovery.
Jeska also offers advice to families of people struggling with addiction: you cannot force someone to change, and loved ones need to establish boundaries and take care of themselves rather than exhausting themselves trying to “fix” another person.
The episode closes with a discussion of spirituality, hope, gratitude, and turning personal suffering into a purpose of helping others. Jeska’s central message is simple: never give up—recovery is possible.
Key Takeaways
- Addiction can be a symptom of deeper pain.
Jeska describes substances as a solution she used to cope with emotional pain, anxiety, and disconnection. - Removing the substance isn’t necessarily the same as recovery.
Recovery involves healing the underlying physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual issues. - Self-hatred can fuel destructive patterns.
Jeska connects addiction with other forms of self-harm and unhealthy patterns, saying she couldn’t recognize those connections until she was in recovery. - Self-forgiveness is essential.
Instead of continually punishing yourself for the past, recognize what you knew then, learn what you know now, and move forward. - Faith can provide a foundation for healing.
Jeska’s recovery is deeply connected to her relationship with God and her belief that understanding God’s love helped her learn to love and accept herself. - Purpose can transform recovery.
Jeska found meaning in using her experience to help other women who feel hopeless or beyond saving. - Connection matters.
Support groups, community, church, and relationships can reduce shame and isolation and give people a reason to keep going. - Loved ones need boundaries too.
Supporting someone with addiction doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing or trying to force them to change. - Relapse doesn’t have to mean failure.
Jeska frames relapse as something from which lessons can be learned, while emphasizing that people should never give up. - Pain can become purpose.
One of the strongest themes of the episode is transforming past suffering into something that can help others. - Gratitude changes perspective.
The closing reading presents gratitude as a way to transform problems, mistakes, confusion, and difficult circumstances into lessons and opportunities.
Keywords
Primary keywords:
addiction, recovery, substance use disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction, self-hatred, self-worth, self-forgiveness, childhood trauma, emotional healing, spiritual healing, healing from addiction, addiction recovery, recovery coaching, sobriety, abstinence, relapse, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, God and recovery, faith and addiction, finding purpose, shame, guilt, trauma recovery, women in recovery, recovery community, AA, NA, Al-Anon, boundaries, family addiction, addiction and self-harm, addiction as a solution, healing the root cause, hope in recovery, gratitude, personal transformation, overcoming addiction, recovery journey, holistic recovery, gut health, mental health and addiction, never give up, we do recover
Find Jeska Jane
On Youtube@JeskaJane3
and Tiktok @ArizonaAuditor
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Sponsor
The Healing Law Podcast is sponsored by American Grit Fulvic.
Learn more about how fulvic minerals may support natural energy, focus, and nutrient transport at:
Episode Transcript:
Douglas Dedrick (00:07)
In the beginning
Jeska (00:07)
So yeah.
Douglas Dedrick (00:08)
you said that the path of you drinking started with your self-hatred. Was that the course of all the addictions? Was that at the core of all of them?
Jeska (00:18)
So I
think so
Douglas Dedrick (01:19)
Welcome to the Healing Law Podcast where we talk about all things health, law and nature. Today we have the lovely Miss Jeska Jane joining us. She’s a recovery, a recovery coach, What do I call you again?
Jeska (01:30)
Group facilitator basically, but yeah, on paper I’m a substance use disorder counselor, but basically I teach classes and facilitate groups in all women’s recovery center.
So yes, okay, I’ll talk about that that journey a little bit. So very young, I have memories of having a lot of self hatred, like very young, for seemingly no reason. It started with disorders like around age 12.
And then around 14, 15, started drinking. And it was like falling in love when I had my first drink. It was like, I wanna feel like this all the time. And so that was that. And of course it was just a weekend thing. It started out very slow. I got to college and drinking became normal. Luckily for me, I had a lot of older cousins around me and that kept me very safe in that environment.
so I didn’t really have to deal with a lot of the repercussions that people do when they start drinking young, but it also kind of, it just kept it as a normal part of life for me. Right. So, I managed to, got married and I managed to stay sober through my pregnancies, which I’m so grateful to God for. but then right after that just picked it right back up and it kept going. And so eventually I got a DUI.
around age 30 and there were lots of signs that I needed to quit drinking along the way but that was that was obviously a big one and I said I gotta quit drinking however I was not yet ready to surrender to God I was not yet ready to do a program I still had the I got this I’ll figure this out attitude a lot of pride a lot of pride and
And so I quit drinking, I did. I quit drinking, however, because I still thought like an alcoholic, because I hadn’t changed any of my ways, I had only removed the alcohol, I still had addict thinking. so quickly Vicodin started replacing the drinking. And so I noticed right away it worked well, not just for physical pain, but for emotional pain, for social anxiety, for all the things, you know?
And then I think a lot of people have this story. This was the late 90s, early 2000s when the pills were just plentiful. Doctors were overprescribing them. You could buy them like crazy off of people. I went from Vicodin to Percocet. It had to keep getting stronger as the tolerance goes up, right? So Vicodin to Percocet to Oxycontin. And eventually there was no Oxycontin. And I made the leap to…
heroin and in the end it was fentanyl and thankfully that was right when fentanyl came out so I had barely touched it but basically that’s what was in store for me if I hadn’t made it out so yeah
Douglas Dedrick (04:30)
Wow. Like, so you
did all the things along the way. Good lord. That’s intense.
Jeska (04:36)
And I wasn’t a drug user. So like when I was in my teenage years, I wasn’t like experimenting with cocaine. like I still never done cocaine to this day. Because when I was little, I always told myself I’ll never try drugs because I don’t want to turn into a drug addict.
Douglas Dedrick (04:55)
Yeah.
Jeska (04:55)
What I didn’t know then that I do know now is that alcohol is a drug. And for me, it was the gateway drug.
For me, it was the gateway drug. started with that. And it ended in a place that I never imagined I could have gotten to, you know?
Douglas Dedrick (05:10)
In the beginning
Jeska (05:10)
So yeah.
Douglas Dedrick (05:11)
you said that the path of you drinking started with your self-hatred. Was that the course of all the addictions? Was that at the core of all of them?
Jeska (05:20)
So I
think so because I if you think of addiction as basically it’s a form of self harm and So are eating disorders abusive relationships like all these things they go together, you know, and they show up as patterns and I couldn’t see the patterns until I got out so and
Douglas Dedrick (05:40)
What helps you overcome
your self-hatred?
Jeska (05:42)
Okay, well first of all, learning that once I got into rehab, which I’m so grateful, and when I talk about the things I did, please know that I give all credit to God. I thank Jesus every single day for snatching me out of the fire, basically. But when I got into rehab, I started learning that alcohol and drugs was not my problem, it was my solution.
And so once I learned that, I had to take a look at what my why was, because without understanding my why, I was always gonna be looking for that external solution to that internal problem that I was suffering from. And so as I repented, as I begged God for help and I got to know God,
I got to know the way in which he loves me, which made sense to me only one way. And that was the way that I love my sons. And so in that way, I started to truly understand the way God saw me. Just in the same way when my own children make a mistake or they mess up, I don’t think they’re a bad person. I just see that they’re lost. They need help. They need guidance. And so once I started being able to see myself through God’s eyes, I was truly able to
to start healing, to start healing. Because you hear a lot about self love, you know, in the, I don’t know, in our culture these days. And I just didn’t know where to get it. know, I don’t, am I gonna stand in front of a mirror and keep telling myself I love my, like I didn’t understand how do I have compassion for myself? How do I have love for myself? And that’s how it worked for me is I found it in learning and knowing God. Yeah.
Douglas Dedrick (07:26)
Right.
There’s certainly some amazing guiding force of creation out here that if you look, it’s like, man, it’s amazing, but it’s hidden behind all the
Jeska (07:35)
It is.
Douglas Dedrick (07:37)
darkness that the devil tries to deceive us with. It’s like, you know,
Jeska (07:40)
Yeah, yeah.
Douglas Dedrick (07:42)
self-hatred is like, oh my God, I had that path too. And I had to forgive myself. Like, that was a big thing for me. I’d asked God for forgiveness for a long time. And then one day I just like, I had to forgive myself for like,
When I was down beating myself up and being my own enemy, my own worst enemy, and fighting myself all the time, like…
Not having my own back, you know, my goodness.
Jeska (08:02)
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Though with the, so on the self forgiveness thing, since you brought it up, you know, working in rehab, a lot of women ask me all the time, you know, I forgive everyone easily, but how do I forgive myself? And that’s a deep question for me. What helped me with the self forgiveness is recognizing that I did the best.
with what I knew how to do at the time. Like I
dealt with life in the only way I could figure out at that time. Now I know better so I can do better and I’m grateful for that, right? So, but I don’t have to keep dwelling in the past for my worth. Like I can find my identity in God and that’s how I move forward.
Douglas Dedrick (08:48)
what would you say the most common traits of recovering addicts is? What is it one of the most common traits?
Jeska (08:54)
Well, low self-worth, lots of self-doubt, childhood trauma is a major factor, disconnection with self and with God. So in society, we learn a lot about how to put on a brave face and pretend like we’re not feeling anything. We learn that our emotions are inconvenient, right? And so we learn very young how to suppress those things.
does in my understanding, right? I’m not saying I know everything, but this just what I’ve learned from my experience. What that does is it disconnects us from ourself. And in the process of disconnecting from ourself, we disconnect from God. And so we start looking more and more for the things of the world to fulfill us on the inside. And it takes us further and further away from the true cure for that, which is, yeah, the love of God. And some people describe it as
Having a God-sized hole in our heart that we’re trying to fulfill out in the world. But it can only come from God, the fulfillment. That’s what I need, notice.
Healing (09:58)
What in your experience is the difference between
a successful recovering addict and one who continues to relapse? Have you noticed any commonalities there or differences should say?
Jeska (10:07)
Yeah, so, well first I think it’s important to understand the difference between abstinence and recovery. So, in abstinence, we’ve gotten the drugs and alcohol out of our lives and that’s abstinence. In recovery, we’re basically seeking healing, seeking healing of our physical, our mental, our emotional and our spiritual health.
So that’s like an active process. Like we’re in pursuit of that when we’re in recovery, right? We’re pursuing our connection with God. We’re pursuing being of service. And so I believe for me truly, that’s what keeps me going is not just that I don’t wanna live that way anymore, but also that I have a purpose now. I have a new life with a new purpose that I don’t wanna give up for anything.
And that’s what works for me. Yeah. And I heard a quote at church like a couple of months ago and I think about it every day since. And basically he said, I’m not doing God a favor by being of service. God is showing me favor by giving me a purpose of which to be of service. And so I think that…
The chronic relapsing, you know, it doesn’t mean that someone can’t get better if especially a lot of people will even label themselves chronic relapsers. But every relapse there’s a lesson and an opportunity to learn and grow from it. And the idea is just to never give up and that we can recover no matter what. But yeah, really pursuing that recovery. And it looks different for different people.
You know, for some people AA is their way, Narcotics Anonymous. These are great programs and I think that they work so well is because first of all, when we share with one another, it lessens our pain, it lessens our shame. We understand each other and that builds us up and the connection that we experience. It’s like community, right? And if you think back how we used to live in villages where we were connected with one another,
and we supported one another, it makes sense why having support groups makes such a big difference. Some people find it at church and some people do all of them, you know? But that connection is really important, you know? That having that purpose, that reason to get out of bed in the morning. And it’s like our pain wasn’t for nothing. for me, God turned my pain into a purpose. And
Healing (12:47)
Hmm.
Jeska (12:48)
I live for that now. I live for that.
Yeah.
Healing (12:52)
So
what would you say to someone who has a loved one who’s going through like recovery and they’re struggling with challenges with that, the support or love?
Jeska (12:59)
Yeah, that’s tough. First of all, the most important thing is to recognize that they cannot change until they decide to. But what we can do as loved ones is support them, let them know in certain ways, right? Certain ways are not good to support them, but to let them know that we’re here for them when they want to get better. And if they need support in that way, we’re here for them.
but also it’s really important for loved ones to take good care of their selves and to not chase the addict around and try to change them themselves because it can really make a person sick trying to help somebody that doesn’t want help. It can really damage the loved one a lot and it’s crazy making, right? To like try to change somebody who doesn’t want to change.
Healing (13:50)
both can wind up
in a worse position. It’s like.
Jeska (13:53)
Right. Yeah, right. It’s almost like the loved one can become addicted to the addict. And that’s what Al-Anon, the program Al-Anon is for, is basically for, you know, for people who love addicts to learn how to have their own boundaries, take good care of themselves, even when that person is not, you know, not healthy and not doing well. But so I would say
Healing (14:14)
Wow, I didn’t know that was going there.
Jeska (14:16)
to sup, yeah, yeah, they have their own support group.
So I would say too that the best you can encourage them to get treatment is what you want to do. And what I find really inspiring and encouraging about going to treatment is that oftentimes it doesn’t matter why the person went. So we call them back problems. Like, are you here for back problems? You’re trying to get your mom off your back. You’re trying to get your boyfriend off your back. You’re trying to get probation or parole off your back.
The good news is that it doesn’t matter how you get there, you can, that miracle can happen while you’re there, you know? So whatever it takes to try to get them in treatment is great, but yeah, also to keep, take good care of yourself in the process and not lose yourself in trying to fix this person.
Healing (15:06)
So
would you say overall recovery is a spiritual battle?
Jeska (15:09)
Definitely, definitely. That’s a great question, Douglas. In Alcoholics Anonymous text, it calls addiction to alcohol, alcoholism, a spiritual malady, meaning like a spiritual sickness based
Jeska (15:22)
But basically it’s like a spiritual sickness, a disconnection from God. Yeah, and that makes a lot of sense to me. And I feel like too, that’s why you hear so many recovery stories of people have found God. And it’s for real. For me,
I really showed up at a place when I was going into treatment, I did not think I could be helped. I was going to make other people happy like my mom and I love my children so much and you know, I had loved ones that really wanted me to get better and I was kind of just going through the motions for them at first. When I was drinking alcohol and I was taking painkillers because they’re legal,
And because it’s medicine, that helped me stay in my delusion that I don’t have a problem because I’m just drinking. I’m just drinking. I’m not doing drugs, I would tell myself. And this is medicine. It’s not drugs when it came to the painkillers, right? But once I made that leap into the street drugs, I recognized like, this is it. This is it for me. This is a death sentence. And I know that and I’m never gonna get better after that. And that’s truly what I thought.
So when I went into treatment, I still had that mentality that I’m gonna give this my best for the people that I love, but there’s no hope for me whatsoever. And thank God, over time, he instilled that hope in me. And he showed me that not only could I get better, but I could then work in treatment and encourage other women that I understand. I understand what it’s like to feel like there’s no hope for you whatsoever.
And I understand what it’s like for people to look at you like you’re a wreck and there’s no hope for you or treat you like there’s no hope or especially when you get into the fentanyl because the society at large says those people are lost and we’re never recovering them. They’re never coming back. And so I’m just grateful that, no, it was not wonderful to go through all those things, but it’s kind of like God has shown me that I had to go through those things.
in order to encourage the women that I do today because there’s no way that they would receive my encouragement without knowing I’ve been through these things too. And so that’s the way I see it about the pain and the purpose thing, yeah.
Healing (17:44)
I’m
glad that you’re still here
with us and that you’ve recovered successfully and you have your story because it certainly is inspiring and amazing and you certainly have a way about yourself with presenting it and I’m sure it’s helpful to many people. It’s helpful to me. you know, I’m sure many others. Before we get out of here,
Jeska (18:01)
Thank you, I’m great, thanks for that.
Healing (18:03)
got the sponsor here.
OperationAmericanGrid.com, the best fulvic acid in world in my opinion. Have you ever heard of fulvic acid, Jeska?
Jeska (18:10)
have actually heard of fulvic acid, yes.
Healing (18:12)
What do you know about it? Do you know anything about it?
Jeska (18:14)
Okay, so I received some from a friend and
yeah, I started adding it to my water and I’m all about being proactive about my health, right? Like with probiotics and vitamins. And I know some people say like, why do you need to supplement? Just eat well, which I totally understand. But we’re at a place now where our food is not what it used to be. It doesn’t have, you know, the nutrients and minerals that we.
that it used to have that our body needs so badly. And so, yeah, I think it’s a really great way to supplement what’s been taken out of our food to begin with. And yeah, to really pursue that good health. And when we take good care of our physical health, it helps our mental health as well. So that’s what I would say.
Healing (19:00)
For sure.
In some ways, it’s kind of considered a prebiotic because it feeds its food for the bacteria that are in the probiotics. It’s pretty cool like that. But yeah,
Jeska (19:11)
That’s awesome. Yeah, that’s awesome.
Healing (19:13)
it’s really cool stuff. But it’s what was I going to say? You made a lot of great points. there used to be a lot. There used to be more fulvic acid in the food because it’s naturally present in the dirt. It’s just decaying organic matter, essentially. And like we would get little bits over time. But like you’re saying,
It’s been kind of stripped out through all the processing and like
Jeska (19:31)
Thank
Healing (19:31)
the over washing. So we don’t get like these vital nutrients that the fulvic acid has always like provided our ancestors. So I find it important to like supplement in these times. so unless you have like a perfect organic garden situation going on, you’re eating from the garden like store.
Jeska (19:48)
Right.
Yeah, which not many of us do, but that’s such a good point, right? You would love to go out to your own garden, pluck things off and eat them right away. And you would be getting fulvic acid then. But like the over washing, I’m completely guilty of that because we hear how much chemicals are sprayed on everything, right? So we’re washing them with all the stuff. And so there’s no chance any of that organic compound is making its way to us at that point. Yeah.
Healing (20:14)
And
all those chemicals kill a lot of the natural bacteria and stuff and like they’ve just destroyed the soil because they’ve depleted the organic substances from the soil. It’s just like they’ve mined it out through the plants basically. And it’s like and they’re killing them. They’re killing the soil at the same time by with all the synthetic fertilizer and the pesticides and herbicides and all this. And it’s just like totally destroyed. But the fulvic acid helps restore the farmland to its amazing stuff. I encourage everyone to go look at enough about
Jeska (20:40)
That’s awesome.
Healing (20:41)
that.
Back to you, Jeska. Thank you for your time.
Jeska (20:44)
I would ask
Healing (20:45)
What?
Jeska (20:45)
Let me just add how
the fulvic acid, I would relate that to the conversation we were already having. And that is, you know, the gut microbiome, I believe, you know, has so much to do with our mental health and that connection and that the communication between our gut and our brain, you know, most people think all thinking and insight comes from the brain, but so much of it comes from our gut and that intuition.
And so I believe too that when we help heal our gut microbiome, it improves our mental health tremendously. So,
and that’s a big factor with addiction as well. yeah, I think those go together well.
Healing (21:25)
There is a lot of evidence for the
healthy Mike got microbiome in the connection with the mental like there’s a huge Connection with that that they’ve discovered But and thank you Jeska for your time is right. What else would you like to leave with the people before you go?
Jeska (21:39)
Okay, well I would just say never give up. We do recover. And can I just read you a little something?
Healing (21:47)
course.
Jeska (21:47)
Okay, so this is from the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beatty. And this one is called gratitude. And I think, well, I try to live this way every day and I think it can help a lot of us. Gratitude. Say thank you until we mean it. Thank God, life and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events.
It can turn an existence into real life and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Gratitude makes things right. Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude’s power.
We can start with who we are and what we have today. Apply gratitude, then let it work. Say thank you until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it. Today, will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
Healing (23:22)
Amazing. Thank you for reading that. the gratitude is huge, too, for sure. Some of the best days I’ve written just I’ve written be thankful, be thankful, be thankful, be thankful. And then like it just then I find that and like those are great days when I can remember that typically. But it’s so easy to get dragged down. It’s like, my God.
Jeska (23:36)
Yeah, yeah, throughout the day, yeah.
Yeah, okay, and I’m grateful that you had me, Douglas. I really love the podcast
Healing (23:44)
Do
Jeska (23:45)
series.
Healing (23:46)
you want to people where they can find you if they you want to drop at that or YouTube?
Jeska (23:51)
just have a little channel at JessicaJane3 on YouTube but I just make little videos that make me happy type thing. yeah, thank you Douglas and I, yeah, you’re a gift to me and my sobriety and wellness as well and you’ve been a good friend to me in this crazy online space and yeah, there’s no one else I’d rather talk to about this than you so thank you so much.
Healing (24:18)
Thank you so much for well, thank you for the time and thank you for you as well. Thank you. That’s the law. We miss Jeska Jane at Jeska Jane three on YouTube. You
want to find her channel there? Thank you so much for joining us. That’s all for the healing all podcasts today. I’m your host Douglas. I’ll see you all next time.
Jeska (24:34)
Thank you.